The 5 Love Languages – What You Need To Know, And Why
Have you ever struggled to communicate with someone you love, despite how loving you are being? Perhaps you have reached out to your partner to let them know your needs, only to suffer rejection when they haven’t responded in the way you expected. You might even be reeling from the loss of a relationship where you still don’t fully understand what went wrong.
Sound familiar? If so, you are certainly not alone in this experience.
Fundamentally, we all understand and express love differently. Our perception of love varies individually. It is typically rooted in how we are raised and the experiences of love we had during our childhoods. No matter who you are, you will rely upon your own ‘language’ of love – which is what this guide is all about!
10 years ago, Dr. Gary Chapman wrote ‘The 5 Love Languages’ which defined the primary forms of love language. Ever since, the way we define relationships has become more accessible in many ways. To identify our own love language tendencies, we can start to get to know ourselves and our loving relationships much more clearly.
Having a frame of reference can empower us to build healthier, happier relationships in the future.
Wondering about the best way to work out which love language resonates with you? Get to know them! By familiarising yourself with the behaviors of each style, you will soon learn which connect with you on a deeper personal level. Here is your 5 step guide to each love languages to help you self-reflect on which ones fit you:
Those who thrive with this particular form of language tend to express love with tactile reassurances such as hand holding and cuddling. Closeness is key for physical lovers in life. Contrarily, this does not equate to sex or relate in any way at all to personal libido. This form of love is purely about connecting physically without the need for sexual gratification of any measure or form. How do you feel when someone connects with you physically? Your response may dictate whether this is the form of love language you speak, and to what measure.
Words of Affirmation
Sharing such words as ‘I love you’ regularly are habitual for those who share their love through spoken words of affirmation. Reassuring statements and tokens of verbal devotion are also a significant part of this love language, along with sharing true feelings and a desire to ‘talk out’ any problems that may arise within each relationship. Reflect upon the words you share with those you love and when you choose to offer affirmation in a verbal sense. If you are someone who benefits from conversational reassurance, then you will need to find someone who can align with you verbally.
Social culture has conditioned us to become somewhat addicted to technology, leaving lesser room for interpersonal connection. However, we all know how uncomfortable it is to be speaking with a loved one only for their attention to wander with the distracting allure of a smartphone notification. Quality time is a powerful form of love as it lets the other person know they are a significant priority in the life of a loved one. Quality time is the true lifeblood to any healthy relationship — now, more than ever.
This form of love demonstration is not necessarily symbolised by lavish spending or financial flaunting. It is much more about thoughtfulness that clearly shows the person receiving the gift that they have been considered beyond the bare minimum. It also communicates that they were thought about when they were not present in the room, while the gift was being planned or arranged. Consider the message you’re sending with the gifts you choose and what expectation you have for the gifts you feel you deserve. Your thoughts may hold the linguistic answers you’ve been looking for.
Acts of Service
Helpfulness may not seem a sexy or particular romantic gesture, but it can have extraordinarily positive effects on the wellbeing of our loving connections. When someone offers to take some of the load from our shoulders in terms of stress and responsibility, it shows that the person cares about our overall wellbeing. They want to help us by offering to take out the trash, talk through our plans, or make breakfast in bed. These are the acts of service that truly speak volumes as loving gestures between partners.
How does this relate to the Fetish & BDSM community?
The links between what we crave from a Professional Escort or Mistress Session correlate with the five love languages more than most realise. Relationships are inherently and wonderfully complex. Each human connection we have is entirely unique. This can make it seem like a difficult terrain to navigate alone. However, by equipping yourself with the knowledge of how we crave interactions with one another you will be giving yourself a far greater chance of building the kind of connection you need and want.
The Dominant/submissive dynamic, for example, draws from all five quite literally. In my opinion “Acts of service” and “words of affirmations” are the key languages that frequent D/s connections no matter the participants gender identity or sexual orientation. A submissive gaining pleasure and worth from gesture or acts they perform for the Dominate along with verbal confirmation or encouragement to do better can be gratifying & a cathartic release of the day’s stresses. While the ideal match for a submissive with these inculcations is a Dominant that favours these languages in there top two or three when ranked top to bottom, some partners find there to be an equal balance between all five and that they are able to meet their needs with a variety of combinations in a session partner. While working out each other needs and wants requires good communication and boundaries, once you know your session partner’s languages, working out a scene together can become more fulfilling and creative.
Looking towards the most common fetishes, these can all be linked to one of the above languages and sometimes more than one, for example, Giving a golden shower is Gift Giving from the Dominant to the submissive and also acts of service from the submissive to be their Dominant’s, by the means of a toilet. Another example is overnight sessions, from the submissive point of view this is Quality Time and depending on the scene set out, could be Acts of Service and if the submissive is lucky Physical Touch or they could receive Words of Affirmation when pleasing their Dominant.
Think about a specific activity you enjoy the most during a session, What language do you think it falls under? If your session partner did enjoy it as much would this act still be fulfilling? Would it be classed as gift giving? from your partner to you? Giving the gift of pleasure without pleasure in return is a common scenario in the D/s dynamic and expresses the devotion and connection between session partners.
We are all learning about the way we live and are loved as we progress in life. Take your time and don’t be too hard on yourself if you slip up from time to time. This is all part of the journey of learning to positive connections!
How do you know what your main languages are ?
Have a read through each section and think about what you hold higher as a requirement in a partner – put a number next to each one, Think about your ex partners and what drew you to them ? Patterns of positive traits within your ex partners is a good place to start.
For myself personally & professionally they are similar this is how I am able to offer genuine connections between my session partners and myself.
- Acts of Services
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
Over time as we grow as adults these change in their importance to us and it is quite common for the top 3 to shift as we get older and wiser as our lives change.
No matter which love language you offer as your number one, choose to share it with someone who deserves you.